Betrayal

Betrayal when realised is a phenonmenal existential feeling. Suddenly your world is no longer what you believe in. You question reality but most of all you question yourself. How you wonder, could I have been so naive, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing?

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I have a black dog

I have a black dog, his name is depression
Black Dog could surprise me with a visit for no apparent reason or occassion
Black Dog like to ruin my appetite, he chew up my memory and my ability to concentrate
Black Dog could make me say negative things
It could make me irritable and difficult to be around
Black Dog thought nothing of taking my love and burying my intimacy
He likes to wake me up with very repetitive, negative thinking
Having Black Dog in your life isn’t so much about feeling a bit down, sad or blue. At its worst it is being devoid of feeling altogether.
 
I have become very unlovable and can no longer make you smile like before. Do you still accept me and love me like before?
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Dreams

I been having bad dreams for the past 3 nights. I dreamt that my friends are doing things that hurt me. It upsets me and it makes me start to wonder if my dreams are telling me something. Winnie says they don’t mean anything but I think it is the emotions I am feeling inside me that cause to have those dreams. I fear of getting hurt again, I have lost trust in my friends again and I don’t know if I can ever build up that trust again. I feel tired of my life. 
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Some People

Quote Madea from Tyler Perry’s play:
 
Some people are only in your life for a season. They are only here to teach you a valuable life lesson and that is it. DO NOT try to hold onto people forever who are only supposed to be in your life for a season. If someone wants to walk out of you life … let them go. Holding on to what was or what could have been will only cause you more emotional pain. Some people are like trees; some blow every which way like the leaves (you cannot depend on them), some people are like the branches (they are there for you til something happens and they break away), and some people are like the roots (there for you all the time. Without the roots, the tree can’t live).
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Viva cancelled AGAIN!

F**King HELL !
 
What luck. My viva has been cancelled again!
 
Got a call from my supervisor yesterday at 12.20pm and was told that my external examiner has taken ill and sent to the hospital. All the worrying for nothing
 
I even reject helping a friend for fear that I’ll be distracted when she comes over to stay with me this week. I was worried that when she comes over this week, it would be difficult for me to concentrate on my studies when she wants to sleep and I want to study or vice versa.
 
I have been planning to go home and looks like I am stuck here again for a while. What can I say?! Just my luck! 
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One for the Girls

Women are like apples on tress.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Some men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality THEY’RE amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
 
 
I got this from Diane, my ex-flatmate and I think this is a pretty interesting text so I thought I’ll put it here to share with you all.  
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The Promise of the World-from Howl Moving Castle

The smile wavering in the depth of my tears,

is the promise of the world since the beginning of time.

I am alone now, but from the yesterday with you,

Today has been born and shining

Like the day I first met you.

You are not staying in my memory,

You are the breeze that touches my cheeks.

 

After the farewell in the afternoon with the sun lights through the trees,

The promise of the world never ends .

I am alone now but tomorrow is unlimited,

You showed me the gentleness hidden in the night.

You are not staying in my memory,

You are in the songs of the chattering rivers,

You are in the colour of the sky,

You are in the scents of the flowers ,

You will live forever. 

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Light at the end of the tunnel

Gosh! time files, its June today and soon I’ll be going home.
 
What started off as a one year job contract in Glasgow has spun to 3 years stay (or more?); working on my PhD, making new friends, leaving some and eventually getting what I’ve been fighting for – my PhD.
 
Will I miss the friends that I met here? Will I be able to adjust to the life back home? I am just so afraid to face what’s coming. Oh…the dreaded VIVA, I just don’t think I can go through that, it’s just too nerve racking. Will I be able to defend my research work with my boss sitting in the room?
 
I know I know! My biggest problem is my confidence. I’ve got no confidence in anything in life. Well blame it on how things are in this world, it just changes too fast. Especially human beings.
 
So….now that I can no longer buried myself in my studies and escape the harsh reality in life, what’s next for me?
 
I guess the only thing that has spurred me on whilst I was here was my friends. They have been cheering me on, making life easier with each step I take.
 
I am learning to see things differently these days. Nothing really matter to me anymore, in life you just win some and you lose some. So what if your friends use you and you lose money because of them? Money is not an issue, you’ll just get to see that friend in their true colour, distant yourself from them to avoid getting hurt again and move on.
 
Look at things in a different perspective Cynthia and you’ll not get too upset.
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当你孤单你会想起谁

你的心情总在飞
什么事都想去追
想抓住一点安慰
你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊
你最害怕孤单的滋味
你的心那么脆
一碰就会碎
经不起一点风吹
你的身边总是要许多人陪
你最害怕每天的天黑
但是天总会黑
人总要离别
谁也不能永远陪谁
而孤单的滋味
谁都要面对
不只是你我会感觉到疲惫
当你孤单你会想起谁
你想不想找个人来陪
你的快乐伤悲
只有我能体会
让我再陪你走一回

你的心情总在飞
什么事都想去追
想抓住一点安慰
你总是喜欢在人群中徘徊
你最害怕孤单的滋味
你的心那么脆
一碰就会碎
经不起一点风吹
你的身边总是要许多人陪
你最害怕每天的天黑
但是天总会黑
人总要离别
谁也不能永远陪谁
而孤单的滋味
谁都要面对
不只是你我会感觉到疲惫
当你孤单你会想起谁

你想不想找个人来陪
你的快乐伤悲
只有我能体会
让我再陪你
走一回

 

……….歌詞中人物象是我嗎﹖当我孤单我会想起谁?而那陪我的人又是谁﹖

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life & love

la vie est un sommeil, l’amour est un reve
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